Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it, and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve - telling her "Apple or GTFO." Then a bunch of incest occurs and we get the human race. (Which explains a lot, really.)
Then later God gets uber pissed off at Pharoah Hitler for pwning the jews and gives Moses a bunch of cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway, and opens the sea so the Jews can run through. closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis.Then a bunch of less important shit happens.New Testament: Jesus is 13 years old and God gives him more cheat codes than he gave Moses, BUT he gets permabanned on a cross. (He had God Mode on though) so he came back in 3 days and laughed at all the Jews for trying to kill him.Then 3 people tell the same story, and some douchebag named Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil, and a bunch of other shit that Jesus never said but everyone listened to anyway because they are all stupid.THE END